Why check the machine there's never any messages
by hillom
Summary: Just a simple post ep for 'You've Got Male'


Why check the machine – there's never any messages.

_This is a post ep for 'You've Got Male', I'm pretty sure that nearly everyone must have seen that episode by now so there should be no spoilers (unless you're new to CSI and in which case what have you been doing since it started?). I've tried to write this in a diary/thought process type way, but who knows if it actually works when someone other than myself reads it. I know that most post eps are written for the new episodes, and directly after, but I was just watching Season Two while suffering with a hangover and thought that I'd write this. Anything that you recognise I don't own and in no way make any money from any of this. Hope that you enjoy the read and please feel free to leave any reviews!_

The similarities were just growing by the minute; I didn't know what to think. One buddy on her buddy list, didn't say much about her social skills I can't say that I've got many more but at least none of them are convicted criminals. At the last count it was six, three of them are work colleagues. That doesn't say much about me really does it? I must be going mad, I'm asking myself questions that don't need answering. It's not like I have to justify myself to anyone. I certainly don't have to answer any questions, uttered by anyone else or the voice in my head.

Glued to her computer, that made me think maybe I am too. Internet shopping, various chat rooms that remove the need for any outside conversation and the need to be able to spell, and all the sites with weird and random games. Maybe for me it started as an escape from the complexities that are my life, who am I kidding my life is work and work is my life. Have I really isolated myself that much? Again with the questions.

The same mailing lists, I have no idea how I even got on them. They just started being sent in my third week in Vegas. I should have taken it as a sign, the first warning that I was going to become a loner. There I admitted it, I'm a loner. I suppose that I always have been, maybe always will be. I guess that I never really realised it until now, going through someone else's life that appears to be so much like your own really makes you think. If I dwell on this I'm just going to keep over thinking this whole thing, and that really wouldn't be good for my mental state or my self esteem.

Being told to get out more wasn't what I wanted to hear. I'd failed to lift a useable print, that felt like I'd failed at my job, and then I was told that. I know it wasn't meant maliciously but at that point I felt like I was failing as a person, failing to lead a normal life, failing to have something to do between shifts apart from sleep and read forensics journals. That reminds me, I have to renew the subscriptions to some of those. Even now when I'm talking about sorting my life out I'm remembering to aid the things that have helped to isolate me in the first place. I must be every therapist's dream, a patient that works out their own problems meaning that they do no work and still get paid.

Isolation may protect from the trappings of the outside world but people always let others in, whether they are the right people or not. She had just let the wrong person in, what if that happens to me? Would it lead to someone else getting hurt? It doesn't really bear thinking about. I'm always going to wonder why he didn't think that anyone would believe it was an accident. I often wonder why people do the things they do, even the simple things, maybe that's why I isolated myself?

I really can't stop asking questions; maybe there are no answers to anything that I'm asking. Maybe I'm not supposed to know the answers, everything happens for a reason, doesn't it? Maybe this is just a sign to tell me that I need to make a change in my life. The hard part is actually making the change, I've been living in Vegas for over a year now and habits are hard to break. I just don't think that I'm outgoing enough to try and solve, no not solve, rectify the problem.

Back home already, that drive went quickly even with all the traffic around here. I swear that it's not this bad any where else, I mean does everyone in Vegas have to be out on the road when I am? I'm going off on a tangent now, why do I always do this when I'm trying to sort myself out? Right time for a new Sara now, and first things first those take away menus are coming off the fridge. I'm going to learn to cook, and the first thing on my to do list is to buy some cook books. Not off the internet but an actual book shop, contact with other people is essential. As I'm going to cook all the leftovers have to go as well, some of them have seen better days. Better remember to empty the bin before I go to bed.

Now I have to get rid of those catalogues, and I promise my self now that I'm not going to even look at them when they get delivered. They no longer exist to me. I can feel the old Sara slipping away and a new one developing. I must be mad; I'm actually talking to myself now as well as asking myself questions every five minutes.

I don't normally check the answering machine, there's not really much point its not like I ever get any phone calls apart from the ones asking me to come into work early. Tonight's no exception, the flashing screen displaying '0' over and over again, it's like its taunting me. I don't really know why I bothered to buy it in the first place, if I'm not home then there's always my mobile it's always on. Im not even sure that it does turn off.

Again I'm getting sidetracked, just pick up that phone and call anyone make a start on that social life that I so desperately need. Right call anyone and everyone. Again I'm talking to myself, really I must be mad. This way maybe there might just be some messages waiting and the flashing screen will display anything other than '0'.

Right dialling now… okay there's ringing, good sign, what is it with me and signs at the moment?

'Hey, it's Sara…I was thinking…you wanna go out somewhere?'

_Well that is a long post ep with just one character and I did change the order of things towards the end and I really didn't think that it'd got on for that long! Well thank you very much for reading! Sorry about the dig at therapists for many people they actually help and do loads of worthwhile work, I just thought that Sara might have a negative view of them. As usual feel free to leave reviews._


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